Is This What Hell Is Like

Troubles, Troubles

Woke up, Ailish was over again. Brought a ghoul along for me to take to the tournament. Apparently you’re only allowed one blood doll in between fights and the third round is two back to back fights. Should make things interesting. She keeps telling me that I need some kind of edge to win this thing but honestly? All second round vampires unless their first fight was a push over are going to be hurting just as badly as I am. Flat out told me that I was denying her just to be difficult. Annoying, she doesn’t listen. Sure she told me quite a bit since I got here, but she really hasn’t told me anything any other run of the mill vampire couldn’t have filled me in on. Hell, I learned more from Donnie about the whole “ghoul” process and that’s something I can actually use! Why am I fighting her so much? It’s obvious she wants to control me. All this talk of partnership is nothing but fan service, she’s keeping secrets from me because there’s things she doesn’t want me to know. A partner doesn’t keep secrets like that from her other partner, but a master sure as hell keeps secrets from her slave. Even if I did completely trust her, which I don’t, I still want to win this thing on my own and not because someone else gave me the leg up. Me, a less than a month old vampire, beating out all of London in this tournament? Wouldn’t that be a something.

All told she’s probably right and I’m probably going to lose this thing. I’m not sure if it’s her excessive use of vampire voodoo or what but she does have me second guessing myself. What if I do win this thing? Is this plan going to work? What am I actually doing here? Am I really trying to set myself up with the best shot at doing this vampire thing or does it just piss me off that this woman is playing with me? She has to want to keep me from something, why else would she be fighting this hard to keep me from it? Ailish would make a great sponsor for any normal vampire and most would probably think they were lucky to have her. Trouble there is I am anything but normal and I have a feeling that some day if I want to keep being who I am I’m going to need the support of the only voice in the whole country that matters: the Queen’s.

One other thing that bothers me is that, when it’s time, she could just Dominate me into announcing that I’m accepting her offer for parentage and then I’d be royally screwed. That’s reason enough to lead her along for as long as I can. Sucks that the real reason I’m leading her on is because I’m still seriously considering her offer. With a little luck, the closer I get to the top of the tournament the more honest she’ll be with me. Maybe she’ll get desperate and sloppy. I mean… she’s a total babe… she knows the game and is respected or feared by everyone… she’s got more money than she obviously knows what to do with… and if there’s any truth to what Rachel told me she’s not bad company. Would it be so bad? No, I could live a mediocre life like that pulling jobs for a blood sucking sex goddess. Did whoever make me do it so that I could live a mediocre life? Doubt it. If I straddled up to the easiest offer on the table I’d sure as shit be disappointed in me, so why wouldn’t they?

So there you have it. If someone has to know your secret, it’s better to make sure as few people as possible know it. If you want to stop people from asking questions, then you better make sure those few people are as high up on the ladder as you can reach. The Queen doesn’t know it yet but I’m the most wanted vampire in this city, maybe even the world, and I know it’d be a mistake for her to not keep me as close as she can get me… not like I can just walk up to her and dump all the reasons on her.

My Asian messed up my finances, but apparently some unnamed company swooped in and saved her ass-ets. Not sure if that was Ailish or someone else. If it is someone else, is it that mystery woman I keep thinking about? It’s almost comforting, in a way, to know that she’s watching me in the city. I didn’t lie to Angie about how I felt but the only time I don’t feel alone is when I catch glimpses of that woman or something I think she did. I think the main reason is that I think she’s powerful enough to shrug off all the hocus pocus crap other vampires can do to her which means she’s really herself, really free. Knowing what vampires can do keeps me second guessing if I’m actually talking to someone or if I’m talking to some carefully programmed mumbo jumbo coming from another more powerful vampire pulling strings behind the curtain. Sucks. Maybe that’s the whole reason why I’m trying to get close to the queen?

Part of me can’t help but wonder if I’m actually the Queen’s child and she’s doing all this as some kind of test. She’s certainly unique and powerful enough to fit the bill but it’s anyone’s guess. I’m starting to wonder if winning the tournament will be enough to convince her to take me in. I might need to bag this mystery guy to make it happen. That’s another piece of the puzzle I can’t quite figure out, why send me? I’m a nobody after this guy that’s supposedly trying to overthrow her with a connections list as long as my leg? And she wants me to do all of it without backup? Then Kylee tells me that most vampires just sit on their hands for a year and get grandfathered in? Are you kidding me? Give me a break lady. I’m still just trying to figure out how to use all this superman crap.

Still, things come easy to me. A lot easier than they should. I’ve got this… I don’t know… inner reserve I guess. Like when I need it I can just… summon it up. I like knowing that when I’m at my wits end be able to drum up just a little bit more to get through. Another thing on my list of thank yous for whoever did this to me.

Most of the time I feel like I’m flying blind. I’ve got more questions than answers and the worst part is that I don’t even know what I want, much less what I’m doing. The only thing I know for sure is that once I quit having to bust my ass to keep my own damn apartment I’m going to start looking for who did this to me. I don’t even know why it’s so important to me. I guess because I want to know why this is all happening to me? Like I want to leave my past in the past so I can start over? Maybe I just want to say thank you for all the cool shit I can do now?

You know for the first time just now instead of thinking “man isn’t it cool I get to live forever” I’m thinking “holy crap, what am I going to do for the rest of eternity?”

Note to self. Apparently vampires don’t play nice with other storybook characters. Wouldn’t it be cool to have your own Grimm’s Fairy Tale Team from Hell? I gotta get me a werewolf.

Another note to self. Look for a library by the river.



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